


What the Fuck Penny

by sluttytonystark



Series: penny parker is a hot mess [2]
Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, FUCK endgame, Fluff, I do what I want lol, IronDad and SpiderSon, M/M, Penny Parker - Freeform, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter is a girl, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, femme peter parker, ignoring endgame on main, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2019-11-15 10:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18071642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sluttytonystark/pseuds/sluttytonystark
Summary: MYSHELL: stop criticizing Ned and go back to being horny on mainShlurpi: wtf?Shlurpi: i just wanted to have a fulfilling conversation with my friendPeneleNOPE: nah we were sending nudesShlurpi: blocked.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> whoops im back

 

_[THEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

 

_[3:12 PM]_

 

**PeneleNOPE**

 

****

Me dying in Mr. Stark’s arms. 2018, colorized.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** wait no

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** that was only meant for shuri

 

 **Shlurpi:** way to go you dingus

 

 **Irondad:** Penelope, what the fuck?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** damn first name again

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** gotta skrrt

 

_[5:21 PM]_

 

_[The three musketeers]_

 

 **Shluri:** its a good thing im a moronsexual otherwise it would suck for Penny

 

 **MYSHELL:** rt

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** uh can a moron create a highly flexible, strong, and sticky web formula by herself in her chemistry class?

 

 **MYSHELL:** ive literally seen you trap yourself in that same web formula you aint shit babe

 

 **Shlurpi:** highly flexible, strong, and sticky is my stage name

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** good to know

 

 **MYSHELL:** penny is my name still MYSHELL in your contacts?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** ,,,no,,

 

_[5:26 PM]_

 

_[Neddyboi]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** ned help they’re attacking me

 

 **Neddyboi:** who?

 **PeneleNOPE:** shuri and mj

 

 **Neddyboi:** sorry bro you can’t complain

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** binch why

 

 **Neddyboi:** uh you were able to snag _two_ gfs in this increasingly oversaturated girlfriend market???? Check your privilege

****

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** oh shite u right


	2. Chapter 2

_[ITS THE FUCKING AVENGERS]_

 

_[12:49 AM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** ever since the snappening my dopamine machine isn't so dope anymore

 

 **Stove:** Oh no kid, do you need to talk about it?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** does it look like im talking to you peasant?

 

 **Irondad:** I'm calling the child psychologist again.

 

 **Stove:** Why do you hate me?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** thats for me to know and you to not know you broken fork

 

 **Natella:** It’s because she takes after her father

 

 **Irondad:** I’m not her father

 

**Natella:**

**Tony Stark @iamironman**

**@captainamerica** Yeah, because you would be so calm if _your_ daughter started bleeding blue.

**Birdfucker69:**

**Tony Stark @iamironman**

I'm getting my daughter back. If it's the last thing I do.

     

****

  **Irondad:**

****  

 **Natella:** What does this mean?

 

 **Irondad:** I don’t know, Penny sent it to me a while ago.

 

 **Irondad:** I thought it seemed appropriate.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** :’) I love you too dad

 

_[Ewgene]_

 

_[2:12 AM]_

 

 **Ewgene:** Your a fucking bitch, Parker

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** You’re*

 

 **Ewgene:** You ruined the curve on Harrington’s test

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** so ur upset with me for being successful?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** K.

 

 **Ewgene:** You better watch it, Parker. My dad is on the board of directors, I can get your scholarship revoked.

 

 **Ewgene:** where’s _your_ father, huh?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** well 1) sounds fake and 2

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** he’s at Stark towers im guessing, maybe the avengers compound.

 

 **Ewgene:** wait shit

 

 **Ewgene:** im sorry

 

 **Ewgene:** don’t set Tony Stark on me

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** this is tony stark im sending 400 iron man suits after you

 

 **Ewgene:** that's not stark

 

 **Ewgene:** Parker. 

 

**PeneleNOPE: 👀👀👀**

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** now get the hell out of my dms you rusty razor scooter


	3. Chapter 3

_ [Steve] _

 

_ [7:12 PM] _

 

**Steve:** Tony, Penny is on the wall and she won’t get down.

 

**Tony:** Just leave her alone. She’s chilling. 

 

**Steve:** She’s scaring people.

 

_ [ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS] _

 

**idkfalconiguess:** Status update: it's moved.

 

**Mr.Barnes:** She's on top of the fridge now.

 

**Mr. Barnes:** Did you just refer to her as it?

 

**idkfalconiguess:** IT JUST HISSED AT ME

 

**idkfalconiguess:** all I did was go near her

 

**PeneleNOPE:** THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU ARE KNOWN AS FALCON I GUESS IN MY CONTACTS

 

**PeneleNOPE:** I AM A WOMAN NKT AN IT

 

_ [7:42 PM] _

 

**Natella:** Wilson, status update.

 

**Idkfalconiguess:** IT JUST JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW

 

**irondad:** Wilson, stop calling my kid an it

 

**Idkfalconiguess:** Nah man, that is not Penny right now. That is a spider demon and it is out for blood

 

**PeneleNOPE:** ⛧ B̷̮̹̋͐R̴̙̒I̵̻̫͋́̆̎̐ͅN̵̙̣̈́͑̉̒͘͜G̵̦̯̱̬̾̾͊͛ ̸̙̬̮̚͜M̴̦͗̌͐̌E̸̦͇̫̾̚ ̸̞̆̓̈́̕͝M̴̞̠̦̱̣̌̌͐̌O̸͚̹̝̼͎̍R̶͚͖͌̎E̷͙̻̰̖͈̾̌͝ ̸̫̜̿P̷̢͉͚̜̭͑̍̕A̷̗͂Ş̵͙͂T̸͇̮̺͚͐̽͌̇Ą̴̫̬̅̆̈́ ☠

 

**PeneleNOPE:** Ì̷̢̡͖̼̆̐ ̴̨̟̫̘̓͌͛̚Ś̶̡̳̟̖͒E̶̛͈͑̋͝ͅE̵͆͜ ̶̬̉͐̒͝T̸̜͑H̵̰͆͋E̴̱̯̼͒ͅ ̷̝̟͓͖̬̏̆̇̓W̴͎̓E̴̫̼̙͖͙͗̈́̀͝͠I̴̻͋͝G̴̘̥̞͝Ḥ̶͙̯̓T̶̨̙̗̥̆ ̴̨͈̗̱̋͌̊̂Õ̷̱̱̲̯̬F̶̯̝̫̊̾̒̊̀ ̶̫̍̓Y̶̧̡͉̾̌̐̆̍Ó̸̧̳̗ͅͅU̷̻̦̮͓̗̿̽R̸̹̅ ̸̭͐S̸̡̪̳̟͋̉̎͝͝I̴̢̳̹̊̍̓͆̕͜N̸̡̢͖̪̘̅̄̏S̸̨͝͠

 

**idkfalconiguess:** What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

 

**Irondad:** Penny, no.

 

**Irondad:** No more pasta.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** [ **https://sopranotwo.tumblr.com/post/183328135292/theawesomeadventurer-johnnys-robot-gloves** ](https://sopranotwo.tumblr.com/post/183328135292/theawesomeadventurer-johnnys-robot-gloves)

 

**Irondad:** This is all your fault. You couldn't let her just chill on the wall, could you.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** ITS THERAPEUTIC

  
  


_ [10:34 PM] _

 

**MischievousBitch:** Brother.

 

**Sparkysparkyboomman:** Loki.

 

**MischievousBitch:** These are the idiots you're friends with.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** :(

 

**MischievousBitch:** Not you Penny, you radiate a certain essence of chaos and I respect that.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** :)

 

**Sparkysparkyboomman:** what are you talking about?

 

**MischievousBitch:** They're morons.

 

**Sparkysparkyboomman:** like you're any better your tried killing Thanos with a kitchen knife 

 

**MischievousBitch:** IT WAS PART OF A PLAN.

 

**sparkysparkyboomman:** YOU HAVE MAGIC.

 

**MischievousBitch:** FUCK YOU

 

**sparkysparkyboomman:** KILL YOURSELF

 

**drbanner:** You guys have a lot of issues.

 

**sparkysparkyboomman:** I am aware. He turned into a snake just to stab me when we were children. 

 

**MischievousBitch:** Quit bitching about it or I'll stab you again. 

 

**sparkysparkyboomman:** You're adopted.

 

**MischievousBitch:** Die.


	4. Chapter 4

[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS _]_

_[6:23 PM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE** : Guys!!! My blood is blue today :)))

 

 **Stove:** Ouch, how'd you find that out, paper cut?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** Nope! :)

 

**PeneleNOPE:**

 

_[8:53 PM]_

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

 

 **sparkysparkyboomman:** did anyone hear Stark's shrieking earlier

 

 **Idkfalconiguess:** yeah we could hear it from the kitchen

 

 **Natella:** Yeah, Penny got hurt, he flipped his shit.

 

 **Irondad:** It was not shrieking, it was a concerned shout.

 

 **Drbanner:** I was in the lab with you, it was shrieking.

 

 **Irondad:** I'm a Stark, Stark's do not shriek.

 

 **Ihaveafuckingarrow:** First time for everything, then :)

 

 **Stove:** I think we're all missing the greater picture here:

 

 **Stove:** Is she okay?

 

**PeneleNOPE:**

********

 

 **Irondad:** god damnit penny stop breaking the fourth wall

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh im v sorry for not updating as soon as i usually do. ive had a migraine all week and ive been doing things. then my laptop's hard drive crapped out and it's not booting, so I've only been able to post now. I'm really glad to be posting again!!!


	5. Chapter 5

_[MischeviousBitch]_

_[9:36 AM]_

 

**MischievousBitch:** Hello, Spiderchild.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** what’s poppin bitch

 

**MischievousBitch:** Do you recall this twitter interaction?

 

**MischievousBitch:**

 

**Penny @PENELOPE**

**@iamironman** please father dearest just (1) cup 

**Penny @PENELOPE**

>or like the coffee grounds at least

 

**Tony Stark @iamironman**

**@PENELOPE** No. This is for the best, and never call me father dearest again.

** >Penny @PENELOPE**

okay father dearest >:(

 

**PeneleNOPE:** you mean when those hoes took away the coffee?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** yah it was the worst day of my life

 

**PeneleNOPE:** and i have literally died

 

**MischievousBitch:** As have I.

 

**MischievousBitch:** Anyways. We’re in agreement that you are prohibited from drinking coffee?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** yeah is this an interrogation?

 

**MischievousBitch:**

**reciepts.jpeg  
**

 

**PeneleNOPE:** that is my apartment. where were you hiding

 

**MischievousBitch:** I have my ways.

 

**MischievousBitch:** Anyways, I will show this to both Stark and your aunt unless you help me get back at thor.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** stabbing people is against my morals just an fyi

 

**MischievousBitch:** No. Stabbing is only for petty offenses. I need to get him where it hurts.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** you two have a beautiful relationship.

 

**MischievousBitch:** Whatever. Anyways I need you to hack into Friday so she can’t record me or set off alarms. Then, get me those drugs Banner uses to knock you and the Captain out. After that, web Stormbreaker somewhere.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** ur being v shady. please tell me you’re not trying to kill him i’d rather you expose me

 

**MischievousBitch:** No. I’m just going to knock him out, transport him to Canada and leave him without his weapon.

 

**MischievousBitch:** He hates that country. Imagine how he’s going to feel when he wakes up in the middle of no where ville canada

 

**PeneleNOPE:** you son of a bitch, i’m in.

 

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[1:32 AM]_

 

**Drbanner:** uh, has anyone seen thor?

 

**Natella:** No. Why?

 

**Drbanner:** I can’t find him.

 

**Drbanner:** great now some random number is calling me

 

**Drbanner:** It’s Thor.

**Drbanner:** oh no he’s upset.

 

**Drbanner:** oh geez.

 

**Drbanner:** hes in canada.

 

**Drbanner:** he hates that country.

 

**Irondad:** How did point break end up in Canada?

 

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[4:32 AM]_

 

**Drbanner:** Hey guys, we’re back from canada

 

**Sparkysparkyboomman:** LOKI YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD DIED FOR REAL WHEN IM DONE WITH YOU

 

**MischievousBitch:** Bring it on, you little bitch.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** what have i done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys pls excuse my shitty drawing i did my best 
> 
> also you should follow me on tumblr: godilovethem


	6. Chapter 6

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[6:32 PM]_

 

 **PenleNOPE:** FUOND IN COMPRMOISING POSITON WAT DI

 

 **Wanda:** What kind of compromising position? 👀👀👀

 

 **peneleNOPE:** BTCH IM STUCK PN THE CEILING AMD MY LEFT FOOT IS IN THE HEXKING VENT AT CVS

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** an employee saw me he passed out

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** PLSE SND HELP MY SIRT IS HIKED UP TO MY TITTIES TO COVER MY FACE CAUSE I DONT HAVE MY MSAK

 

 **Shlurpi:** hot

 **PeneleNOPE:** kjr;jf;wefwefhdiifnfnfelc

 

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[7:32 pm]_

 

 **Irondad:** God, for once I wish I had a kid who got caught doing normal stuff like drugs.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** im good at hiding that stuff

 

 **Irondad:** What the fuck did you just say?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** sometimes you just gotta hit satans usb stick

 

 **Shlurpi:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf7m0ORbSEM&index=86&list=PLFsQleAWXsj_4yDeebiIADdH5FMayBiJo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf7m0ORbSEM&index=86&list=PLFsQleAWXsj_4yDeebiIADdH5FMayBiJo)

 

 **MischievousBitch:** Once I sucked Satan’s dick.

 

 **Stove:** Sometimes I wish I never came out of the ice

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** god me too


	7. Chapter 7

_[2:11 AM]_

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE

 

_[2:37 AM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** HELLO?????1?1?1?1??

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** helllloooo

 

 **Mr.Barnes:** wtf it's 2 in the morning

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** IVE MADE A MISTAKE

 

 **Irondad:** what's wrong penny

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** I tried cutting my own bangs

 

 **Mr.Barnes:** why are you cutting your bangs at 2 in the morning?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** BECAUSE I LACK IMPULSE CONTROL

 

 **Irondad:** That is accurate.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** DAD

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** PLZ

 

 **Irondad:** I'll have Pepper set up an appointment with the stylist tomorrow.

 

 **PeneleNOPE** : thank you

 

_[friendshipismagic]_

_[3:22 AM]_

 

 **MYSHELL:** penny please….

 

 **Shlurpi:** let us see

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** nO

 

 **Neddyboi:** come on penny theyre probably not that bad

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** yesn't

  


**Shlurpi:** ill show you my tits

 

 **Neddyboi:** oh deary me would you look at the time

 

_[Neddyboi has left the chat]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** binch do i look horny on main???

 

 **MYSHELL:** please

 

 **MYSHELL:** for me?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** I--

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** [mistake.jpeg]

 

 **Shlurpi:** OH MY GOD ITS HORRIBLE

 

 **MYSHELL:** how do you mess up that bad??

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** STOP IT I CRY EASILY

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh yah this is based on true events involving me and my inability to make good decisions


	8. Chapter 8

_ [ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS] _

_ [10:53 AM] _

 

**Stove:** Where’s Tony?

 

**Natella:** he’s at the parker’s apartment

 

**Stove:** Well I gotta talk to him.

 

**Natella:** good luck with that, he’s not leaving that child’s side for anything less than the apocalypse.

 

**Stove:** Is she hurt? Is she okay?

 

**Drbanner:** She’s sick

 

**Drbanner:** And may refuses to leave her home alone when she’s hopped up on the super drugs we gave her to lower her fever

 

**Natella:** so he’s on babysitting duty.

 

**Sam:** God be with that man’s soul then.

 

**Mr.Barnes:** that child is scary enough when she’s not high on drugs.

 

**Natella:** Amen.

 

_ [From: Irondad] _

_ [11:34 AM] _

 

**Irondad:** Penny please

 

**Irondad:** Get back in bed

 

**Irondad:** Come back to your aunt’s place

 

**Irondad:** WHY DOES YOUR TRACKER SAY YOU’RE ON TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?

 

**Irondad:** How the fuck did you get to manhattan so fast?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** wh,,e,e, ttower sfdvv high!!!~!

 

**PeneleNOPE:** immn li

**PeneleNOPE:** immnn m

 

**Irondad:** Take your time.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** sppid

 

**PeneleNOPE:** sppeidermaam

 

**PeneleNOPE:** IM SSLIKE IM LI

 

**PeneleNOPE:** DAD IM SPIDEeeRmmAAM

 

**Irondad:** Spiderwoman*

 

**Irondad:** Okay stay where you are, I’m coming to get you.

 

_ [To: Shlurpi] _

_ [12:35 PM] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** shuuuur

 

**PeneleNOPE:** shuuri rr 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** youuu youre so pretty :’)

 

**PeneleNOPE:** ii i ju s

 

**PeneleNOPE:** marry me

 

**PeneleNOPE:** y arw you sooi beauriful 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** why arent you respindd?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** youre deaasd 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** OH MY GOFD your EEWA DEAad

 

**PeneleNOPE:** mr Stark sayd your nit deddad 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** i just love yo so much

 

**Shlurpi:** Shut up you’re drunk

 

**PeneleNOPE:** weifweohc 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** Your so BEauTUIful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i struggled for ideas with this one, like i've had no good ideas all week
> 
> this shit is tame compared to some of the other stuff in this fic ngl

_[To: Tony, Sam, Bucky]_

_[11:31 PM]_

 

 **Steve:** Tony, please talk to Sam and Bucky.

 

 **Tony:** lmao about what?

 

 **Sam:** Your freaky daughter.

 

 **Tony:** Oh no

 

 **Steve:** Please tell them that Penny is harmless, and them being scared of a sixteen year old girl is completely irrational.

 

 **Bucky:** press X to doubt.

 

 **Sam:** X

 

 **Tony:** Oh, don’t worry about them, Cap, they’re just upset that she beat them up in Germany.

 

 **Sam:** WE AGREED NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

 

 **Tony:** Look, I’ll just add her and we can all talk this out.

 

 _[Tony added_ Penny Parker _to the group]_

 

 **Penny Parker:** Oh my god if this is about your guys’ twitter accounts, it was all neds idea

 **Tony:** It’s not about that.

 

 **Tony:** Wait what the fuck did you do to my twitter account?

 

 **Penny Parker:** nvm

 

 **Sam:** Exhibit A.

 

 **Penny Parker:** bro what

 

 **Steve:** Sam and Bucky are scared of you

 

 **Penny Parker:** is it because of germany

 

 **Penny Parker:** it is isnt it

 

 **Penny Parker:** bitch

 

 **Bucky:** explain this steve:

 

      _Penelope Parker’s shitlist_

  * **STEVE FUCKING ROGERS**
  *  that icecream man from when i was 4
  *  the  kool aid man
  *  tony the tiger
  *  the guy who replaced steve in blues clues



  


**Penny Parker:** omg ive been looking for that

 

 **Penny Parker:** if it makes you feel better shuri has one thats like way longer

 

 **Penny Parker:** and im on it like four times

 

 **Sam:** It’s not so much that I’m afraid of you

 

 **Sam:** It’s that your FUCKING CREEPY

 

 **Penny Parker:** rude????

 

 **Sam:** Get off of my ceiling.

 

 **Penny Parker:** no

 

_[two minutes later]_

 

 **Penny Parker:** HE SPRAYED ME WITH RAID WHAT THE FUCK

 

 **Tony:** Jesus christ.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was supposed to update this on friday but then i like,,, didnt


	10. Chapter 10

_ [the three musketeers] _

_ [12:21 AM] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** i am insulted

 

**PeneleNOPE:** i am disgusted

 

**PeneleNOPE:** I dedicate my entire life to our Lord and savior Jesus Christ and  _ this _ is the thanks I get?

 

**Shlurpi:** penny youre jewish

 

**MYSHELL:** who's wronged penny this time?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** fucking twitter 

 

**MYSHELL:** Twitter wrongs everyone get over it lol

 

**PeneleNOPE:** yeah but this is a direct insult at my person

 

**PeneleNOPE:** they verified Shuri?? But not me??

 

**Shlurpi:** you are verified you overgrown spider

 

**PeneleNOPE:** nO spider woman is verified not Penny

 

**MYSHELL:** You're the same person.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** The internet doesn't know that!

 

**Shlurpi:** bruh I'm a foreign dignitary who even r u?? 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** uhh according to Mr. Stark's Wikipedia page, I'm his  illegitimate daughter.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** also I'm ur girlfriend and I think that deserves recognition

 

**Shlurpi:** wait does his wikipedia really say that?

 

**MYSHELL:** lmao yeah I'm the one who wrote it too

 

**PeneleNOPE:** I knew it

 

_ [1:21 AM] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** u know what 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** if I can't be verified on Twitter I'm just going to go drag that spider bitch

 

**Shlurpi:** again: you  _ are _ spider woman

 

**MYSHELL:** Yeah, cause that will stop her.

 

_ [1:22 AM] _

 

**Penny @PENELOPE**

Wow, they really verified spider woman? Okay. 💅

**> Spidey @spidermaam**

what're you trying to say, bitch???

** >>Tony Stark @iamironman**

 Oh no, not this shit again.

 

**Penny @PENELOPE**

**@spidermaam** hm. well. it just seems like they're going to verify  _ anyone _ these days. 

** >Spidey @spidermaam**

Uhh, no. They only verify people who matter.

**> >Penny @PENELOPE**

  CVS parking lot. 3 o'clock. Bring your fists.

**> >>CVS @CVSocial**

Hi, girls! While we appreciate the publicity, we'd like to ask that you fight somewhere that isn't our parking lot, may we suggest Walgreens?

 

**Spidey @spidermaan**

**@PENELOPE** bitch you heard the brand, Walgreens parking lot, 3 o'clock. Be there or be square.

**> Penny @PENELOPE**

 see you there slut nugget

 


	11. Chapter 11

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[8:42 PM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** BITCH i doNT FUVCKING KNow i THIS BITCH  GOR me THROwn FOR a fucking CAPRIsun

  


**PeneleNOPE:** WHAT THE FUCK KAREN THAT WASN’TF OR THIS GROPUP

 

 **PeneleNOPE** : ifjnfqoijqw    -os djeos nekden

 

 **Idkfalconiguess:**???

 

_[Academic Decaf]_

 

 **MYSHELL:** Penny are you gonna answer the question or not?

 

 **Ewgene:** hurry up parker we’re waiting on u for the next question

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** Yall wanna sOLve STageE  fivve society popuLation isSUes? fUckd jusT throW the olD peoplE iN thE ovceaAn

 

 **Abe:** Woah fam I’m going to have to ask you to monitor your language on this Christian server

 

 **MYSHELL:** Yes, and please refrain from bullshit answers. We have a competition Saturday, just because this isn’t an official practice doesn’t mean you should screw around.

 

 **Ewgene:** haha parker getting shit from her own girl friend

 

 **MYSHELL:** Please refrain from mocking the personal lives of your teammates, Eugene. Remember, I am still your captain.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** heYt Tont y I thInKK iem conCFussed? thAaats what Karen sai d i Tihnk ]drf

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** this issn mr. strk

 

 **Betty:** How did you get a concussion? Who is Karen, and are you okay??

 

 **MYSHELL:** For fuck sakes, Penny.  I’ll call Stark.

 

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[9:01 PM]_

 

 **Mr.Barnes:** So are we just going to forget what just happened?

 

 **Idkfalconiguess:** I guess so

 

 **Irondad:** No. No we aren't. Can one of you go pick Penny up and drive her to the tower or smth. Her Aunt is working, and I’m still in France.

 

 **Irondad:** Apparently she’s got a concussion.

 

 **Stove:** I’ll go get her.

 

_[ITSTHEFUCKINGAVENGERS]_

_[9:32 PM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** dAAd heLp ive bEn kidNapprd bY a geRyAtric man!3!!!!$

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** he DriEevs a motorcicle becas we obviousslyd not matuRe enough toDriv e a car liKr an NOrMal adUlY

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** grEAt now HES tellInG me tOO pit my phone awaY and hoLf on so I don't “fall

 

_[9:43 PM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** FUCK i almost fell off

 

 **Irondad:** Wow, I wonder why.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** bsbsieoekzmoa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we ignoring endgame on main like miss me with that shit it only iron dad here


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit lmao I usually try to update this over the weekend but I guess this week that just wasn't happening
> 
> btw the Gatorade joke isn't mine, I found it on twitter but god I wish it was

_ [12:30 PM] _

 

_ [Irondad] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatorade squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**Irondad:** Okaaaay, because of that? No more gatorade for you, young lady.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** what? no fuck off 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** get your own gators nipple 

 

_ [12:42 PM] _

 

_ [Aunt Mom] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** hey may guess what

 

**Aunt Mom:** ?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatoraid squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**Aunt Mom:** Okay so, new rule.

 

**Aunt Mom:** Never make me read those words ever again. 

 

**PeneleNOPE: ✌️**

 

_ [1:02 PM] _

 

_ [sparkysparkyboomman] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatorade squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**sparkysparkyboomman:** Ah, friend Penny, with your absurd sense of humor, I stand by the belief that you and my brother would make steadfast friends.

 

**PeneleNOPE:** (‘:

 

_ [Pepper] _

_ [1:06] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatorade squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**Pepper:** And I suppose you would be an expert in knowing that?

 

**PeneleNOPE:** of course

 

**Pepper:** I'm really starting to regret giving you my phone number.

 

**PeneleNOPE: 😍❤️❤️🎉❤️🎉❤️💋💕❤️😘😘👀❤️😥😘😘💋😘💋❤️😥❤️💋😘😘**

 

_ [Drbanner] _

_ [1:10 PM] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatorade squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**Drbanner:** Uh. Alligators are reptiles. They don't have mammaries. 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** you wanna fuckin fight or what?

 

_ [1:42 PM] _

_ [MYSHELL] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatorade squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**MYSHELL:** penny

 

**MYSHELL:** this isn't fucking Florida

 

**MYSHELL:** you can't just say that shit

 

**MYSHELL:** you will never be Florida man. 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** :(

 

**PeneleNOPE:** i want to break up :( :(

 

**MYSHELL:** fine but I'm taking Shuri in the divorce. 

 

**PeneleNOPE:** nrvdkzne sk

 

_ [Shlurpi] _

_ [2:32 PM] _

 

**PeneleNOPE:** my favorite part about the gatorade squeeze bottles is that it feels like you're drinking it straight from the alligators nipple.

 

**Shlurpi:** yah I've already seen that on Twitter

 

**PeneleNOPE:** binch

 

**Shlurpi:** get your own joke, bitch piñata

 

**PeneleNOPE:** wait what the fuck is a bitch piñata

 

**Shlurpi:** an original joke u thotticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here's the deal. I'm not about to razor scooter y'all like I did with "Who the Fuck is Penny." If you never read that one, basically I just needed to finish it and my grand finale may or may not have been Infinity War compliant. 
> 
> However, I am working on some more Irondad content, as well as my own original work. And while I love writing for this, it is becoming increasingly harder to find inspiration and make things funny. Do not despair, this isn't over, it's just updates will be coming less frequently. Generally I stick to updating sometime over the weekend, but that hasn't happened recently.
> 
> So for now, I'm taking a break from this, and am only going to be updating when I really have an idea, rather than trying to force them. If any of you have ideas that you would like to see, by all means tell me them, and there's a good chance I'll write them. I love prompts. A lot.
> 
> Thank you all for reading and sticking with this absolute nonsense, and I'll thank you for sticking with this even when the updates are more sparse.
> 
> Also, if you like incorrect quotes, maybe follow me on Tumblr? It's not an incorrect quotes blog, but I do tend to post a few every now and then. I also post my fanfic there and bitch about Endgame. So you should totally definitely follow me: godilovethem


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao literally told y'all I wouldn't be updating as often cause I have no ideas and then like I get an idea, I mean if it works of works.

_[Friendship is magic]_

_[3:26 AM]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** beep beep bitches how's it popping

 

 **MYSHELL:** its three in the morning

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** 3 am is party time when you have insomnia!!!!!!

 

 **Neddyboi:** that's kinda concerning

 

 **Shlurpi:** y'all still have sleep in America? Hm.

 

 **Neddyboi:** is she for real? I can't tell at this point

 

 **MYSHELL:** we honestly have no idea

 

 **MYSHELL** : but also for us primitives

 

 **MYSHELL:** s l e e p

 

 **Neddyboi:** no more texting until 7 am at least.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** suddenly I can't rea

 

 **Shlurpi:** penny you can text me ;) ;)

 

**PeneleNOPE: 👀👀**

 

 **Neddyboi:** whoa not on my Christian server

 

 **MYSHELL:** shut your straight ass up

 

 **Neddyboi:** heterophobia at it's finess

 

 **MYSHELL:** no but for real they've both been gone for too long

 

 **Neddyboi:** ma'am control your girlfriend's

 

 **Shlurpi:** ned did you really just spell finest as finess?

 

 **MYSHELL:** stop criticizing Ned and go back to being horny on main

 

 **Shlurpi:** wtf?

 

 **Shlurpi:** i just wanted to have a fulfilling conversation with my friend

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** nah we were sending nudes

 

 **Shlurpi:** blocked.

 

_Neddyboi has left the chat_

 

 **MYSHELL:** can y'all go two minutes without scaring off Ned?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** no

 

 **Shlurpi:** absolutely not thanks for asking


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow yall are really making me drag the twitter fic back out of the recesses of hell, huh?

_[2:36 AM]_

_[friendship is magic]_

 

 **Neddyboi:** omg penny

 

 **Neddyboi:** you remember that one time you teamed up with dead pool?

 

 **Shlurpi:** omg Ned you didn't even see half of it tony freaked after that and everyone else went off on her

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** I thought we agreed not to talk about that :/

 

 **Shlurpi:** I didn’t agree to shit.

 

 **Neddyboi:** …

 

 **Neddyboi:** well now he’s calling you out on twitter

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** he’s WHAT

 

 **MYSHELL:** Ned why would you tell her that.

 

_[10:21 AM]_

 

**Michelle @m.jones**

**@mercwithamouth** prepare for trouble

** >wakanda nonsense is this??? @Shuri**

And make it double

  **> >Lego @nedflanders**

Spidey saw you vagueing herrrrr

   **> >>Michelle @m.jones**

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about my girlfriend, is that if there’s    spidey drama, Penelope is never far behind

  
  
  
  


**Tony Stark @iamironman**

Excuse me, who the fuck is vagueing my kid? Really? The only guy less stable enough for the Avengers Initiative than me? Hm.

** >Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

Like I want to be part of Earth’s mightiest assholes.

 

**Buzzfeed @buzzfeednews**

Is there drama stirring between the merc with a mouth and New York’s favourite superhero? There sure is! But when will spidey join the fray? Read more at: https://youtu.be/uukvEcd25oQ

 

**Spidey @spidermaam**

**@mercwithamouth** 👀💅💅☕️☕️

** >yizzleyeet @YamesYeeterson**

Ohhh teaaa what have you got on him sis

  **> >Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

**👀👀👀**

 

**Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

Sorry internet, but I’m afraid Spidey has nothing on me to expose. I guess you’ll just have to go back to burning your James Charles's pallets.

 

**Spidey @spidermaam**

**@mercwithamouth** the dick’s sporting goods on 10th street.

**> Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

Bro??? How could you bring _that_ up???  I told you that in confidentiality.

 

**Spidey @spidermaam**

**@mercwithamouth** you didn’t tell me shit, i watched you in the act with your little wrejgew[igh] 1\

 

**Jenna @colorGOOD**

Oh no, Deadpool got Spidey.

  
  
  
  
  


**Penny @PENELOPE**

**@mercwithamouth** wow these are some very interesting photos Spidey is sending me!

**> Penny @PENELOPE **

What’s that she’s saying?

  **> >Penny @PENELOPE**

Post them online for all the world to see?

   **> >>Penny @PENELOPE**

Well if she insists!

 

**Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

**@PENELOPE** You two are really starting to make me rethink my no killing kids policy

**> Penny @PENELOPE**

I’d watch what you say. Mr. Dad _is_  on twitter

  **> >Penny @PENELOPE**

Also this is totally what u get for saying me and spidey are just tryna be wanna be deadpools on twitter

 

**Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

**@PENELOPE @spidermaam** I stand by it. The fourth wall is merely an obstacle and I have a jack hammer. You… You have a toothpick.

**> Spidey @spidermaam**

Well i hope you like hospital food

  **> >Deadpool @mercwithamouth**

Bold of you to assume you’d win in a fight.

   **> >>Spidey @spidermaam **

Uhh you should see the last bitch I fought **@PENELOPE**

** >>>>Penny @PENELOPE**

Oh hell no bitch i won that fight

 

**Tony Stark @iamironman**

**@spidermaam** Bold of you to assume I’d let you fight that jack ass in the first place.

**> Spidey @spidermaam **

:/

   **> >ARIANNA @thedumestwhore **

_#irondad_

** >>>ANNA @dumbslut**

  _#irondad_

   **> >>>thereisnofateonlyfaith @faitthh**

_#irondad_

**> >>>>@thebigsad**

_#irondad_

 _ > _ **> >>>>Spiderly @lafayeet**

_#irondad_

**> >>>>>>Steve Rogers @captainamerica**

_#irondad_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive seen like the first 20 minutes of the first deadpool movie and nothing else of it, so I was definitely winging it based off of what i've read. wasn't going to write this, but it's the one thing people are always asking for so :/
> 
> also, high key self promo: if you like my writing for this and the twitter fic, maybe you'll like my other work?? I've got like three fics that are actual writing, and one other series, and it's all iron dad and spider son. I put a lot of time into them, and it always makes my day when I see someone read it and liked it. 
> 
> But also if you're just here for the short nonsense crack fic that's fine too I'm just glad y'all like what I write, even if it is more of a silly tone. ❤️❤️


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's about time i update this shit tbh

**[The Power of Three]**

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** sup gays

 

 **MYSHELL:** sup bi 

 

 **Shlurpi:** i don't get the name

 

 **MYSHELL** : it's from warriors

 

 **Shlurpi:** the kitty cat book?

 

 **MYSHELL:** lol yeah

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** im firestar and you guys are spottedleaf and sandstorm <3

 

 **MYSHELL:** i better be sandstorm

 

 **MYSHELL:** FUCK spottedleaf

 

 **Shlurpi:** wait if mj wants to be sandstorm _I_ want to be sandstorm 

 

 **MYSHELL:** you just referred to it as the kitty cat book you don't deserve to be sandstorm

 

 **Shlurpi:** okay then I'll be this firestar character, you be sandstorm, and Penny can be spottedleaf

 

 **MYSHELL:** lol okay

 

**PeneleNOPE:[excuse me what](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-3qsv0eAalNirFau-0LEIMdmR3R6cDSh/view?usp=drivesdk)**

 

_[Ironfam]_

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** ive had my heartbroken, let's go to McDonald's

 

 **Auntmom:** Who?! Who broke my baby's heart!!

 

 **Irondad:** who do we need to kill

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** shuri and mj :( they called me spottedleaf

 

 **Irondad:**??

 

 **Auntmom:** warriors? that's a blast from the past

 

 **Irondad:**?? what the fuck is warriors

 

 **Ironmom:** I wouldn't say you're a spottedleaf, more like a Firestar.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** _thank you_

 

 **Irondad:** Pepper?? You know what they're talking about?

 

 **Rhodey:** warriors, Tony, keep up, man. 

 

 **Irondad:** oh my god.

 

 **Rhodey:** anyways we can't go to McDonald's, kid, Tony's got a life ban

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** lmfao why???

 

 **Irondad:** RHODEY

 

 **Ironmom:** Care to explain why you're banned from McDonalds?

 

 **Irondad:** We don't need to talk about it.

 

 **Rhodey:** Yes we do. It's a great story. 

 

**PeneleNOPE: ☕☕☕**

 

 **Irondad:** no 

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** rhodey 

 

 **Irondad:** no she's too young and impressionable 

 

 **Rhodey:** hmm 

 

 **Rhodey:** yeah I'm gonna tell her

 

 **Rhodey:** think of it as pay back for the carpet incident in college

 

 **Irondad:** Damn, I'd thought you'd forgotten about that.

 

 **Rhodey:** No. I haven't.

 

 **Rhodey:** Anyways. It's not really talked about since people focus more on the whole alcoholism thing 

 

 **Rhodey:** but in 2004 this bastard was a huge pothead 

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** okay okay great start

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** can relate can relate

 

 **Ironmom:** excuse me?

 

 **Irondad:** Excuse me?

 

 **Auntmom:** What did you just say?

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** uhh nothing

 

 **Irondad:** oh look at that, Penny just implied that she's smoked weed, we need to focus on that I think.

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** no we don't 

 

 **Rhodey:** Hm, maybe later

 

 **Rhodey:** Anyways, back in 2004 Tony got stoned as fuck. Like, high as a kite

 

 **Rhodey:** And he forces me to drive him to McDonald's

 

 **Rhodey:** We get there. He wants to order the McSoup.

 

 **Rhodey:** Tired McDonald's employee: sir we don't have soup

 

 **Rhodey:** this mother fucker is insistent, so he calls the CEO

 

 **Rhodey:** CEO is like, 'Mr.Stark, Mcdonalds does not have soup. Go to panera.'

 

 **Rhodey:** But Tony is already banned from Paneras. Different story

 

 **Rhodey:** He starts talking shit about the CEO to the employee

 

 **Rhodey:** Tired McDonald's employee agrees, but I think he just wants him out of the store.

 

 **Rhodey:** Tony leaves, hops on a plane and flies his ass all the way to Chicago 

 

 **Rhodey:** knocks on CEO's door at like 4 in the morning  

 

 **Rhodey:** Tony: McSoup! You've gotta have the McSoup!

 

 **Rhodey:** CEO: Mr. Stark, we don't make soup 

 

 **Rhodey:** He doesn't listen, he barges his way into this man's house, and starts cooking soup in his kitchen

 

 **Rhodey:** CEO: Mr. Stark! Please, stop this madness! 

 

 **Rhodey:** Tony sucks at cooking, but something about being out of his mind high brings out some latent talent in the kitchen

 

 **Rhodey:** so this CEO tries the soup and likes it. They start talking. CEO: You know, I hate to ask this, Mr. Stark, but have you been… smoking?

 

 **Rhodey:** Tony is like, "yeah you want some?" And next thing you know, he's getting this man high

 

 **Rhodey:** Mrs. McDonalds comes home and is _pissed,_ apparently this isn't the first time CEO has done shit like this, and their marriage had been in trouble, they end up getting a divorce.

 

 **Rhodey:** A couple days later, CEO calls Tony, and blames him for the whole thing. "You're never allowed step foot in any McDonalds ever again." 

 

 **Rhodey:** And now we go to Taco Bell

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** wow

 

 **PeneleNOPE:** that's amazing

 

 **Ironmom:** Yep. That does sound like my husband. 

 

 **Auntmom:** Remind me why I ever let you within three feet of my niece? 

 

 **Irondad:** great now I want McDonald's. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup bitches
> 
> honestly I have no excuse for the hiatus, I just wasn't feeling it lmao
> 
> honestly i've been feeling down lately, and I was actually thinking of writing a chapter dealing with depression, but then I would remember how I hate serious plot lines in text fics and was like, lol no. 
> 
> anyways if you do want that angsty shit you can keep an eye out because it's probably gonna come out in the form of me projecting my sadness on to my main mans tony 
> 
> lol bye


End file.
